I oftentimes say no when I am forced to be myself. I oftentimes say no when I want to compliment someone on something simple. I sometimes say no when the idea of a new adventure comes.
The crazy thing, though, is that in the past year or so, I’ve begun saying yes.
I’ve said yes to new places and new adventures. I’ve said yes to joining a team. I’ve said yes to being me and not being worried about what other people think.
The sad thing about no is that doors close on amazing opportunites. The amazing thing about yes is that it makes you find yourself and lets other people say yes with you. It brings joy and it brings happiness.
I’m not saying that yes is something people should say all the time, because there are definitely appropriate moments to say no and that is completely okay. But saying no to the right things comes with the confidence of saying “yes” every now and then.
I am in a season full of yes’s and no’s right now. I’ve been trying to write about it for the longest time and it’s been hard for me to write out what I feel in a coherent way. I’ve been talking about it in a lot of subtle ways lately, but I’ve never been able to write about it in the right way every time I’ve hit enter for wordpress and opened an empty document. So, while I’m here trying to be as honest as I possibly can about the yes’s and no’s I’ve said in the past few weeks, bear with me as I try to let it out in the nicest way I can.
When it comes to adventures, I get very, very anxious. But I say yes to them because I know they will help me grow and learn in a way I never would have if I said no. I decided to join a Cross Country team for the first time in my life and run with a team today. Fun Fact: I’ve been wanting to join a Cross Country team since my freshmen year of High School. I said no seven years in a row before I finally did it. Yeah, let that one sink in. Seven Years. I had the best run I’ve ever had in my life today because I said something as simple as yes to something I’ve been longing to say yes to for the Past. Seven. Years. And the best most rewarding part about it is that I got through three miles without stopping.
When it comes to talking and saying hi to new people, I worry what they will think of me. I talk to new people and say hi to almost everyone I pass now if there is enough caffeine or endorphins in my system to make me feel good. Fun Fact: I’ve wanted to be like this since the beginning of my last Spring Semester. Why didn’t I do it earlier? I was afraid of saying yes and I was afraid of showing people who I honestly, truly am because of judgement that I know is oftentimes just inside my head. Funny thing is, most people care too much what others are thinking of them before they can even get to thinking about me or you. It took a summer of saying yes to “me” and not hiding away to get me here… It also took a moment of tears and falling to the ground at the end of this past summer to finally say yes, too.
These are just a couple of ways I’m saying yes in my life today and how I got there. Now, onto the big No. Because, it is a Big No that I have never been able to cross over to without learning what I did about myself this summer.
When it came to boys, I always wanted “yes.” I always wanted to be “the girl.” I always wanted a relationship. I always wanted someone to love me in a beautiful way. I would constantly say that the deepest desires of my heart were to travel and do God’s work globally, but I believe that was just the beginning of this realization I had about me and who I am in Christ over the summer.
Lets get real: The deepest desire of my heart will always be to have a relationship with someone who I can spend the rest of my life with and do God’s work with, whether it is globally or just here in the United States where I am right now.
It’s the bear naked truth and I won’t sugarcoat it.
I believe that God grants us the desires of our hearts and I’m not going to lie and say that it is extremely easy for me to wait on God’s timing for a relationship in my life. Right now, God keeps telling me no. No to a more intimate relationship with someone else, no to hanging out with boys who even show me an inkling of interest more than friends.
I’ve always been a wall builder. It’s not that I have always wanted to say no to a relationship with someone, it’s just that it needs to be the right person and God has already been pretty clear that the right person is not inside my life right now. It’s possible that they could be, but I am not ready to meet them where I’m at right now. Quite honestly, though, I like where I am; single and with God. Focusing solely on furthering and maybe even rebuilding the friendships God has placed in my life at this point.
I’m not ready to be close to a boy intimately. I’m not ready to be more than friends. I’m not in a place where I can see a boy standing beside me as more than a brother in Christ. I always think it’s strange when a boy wants to hang out with me all the time. I think it’s strange when a boy wants to sit next to me. I think it’s weird when a boy says he saw me running or when a guy says that I look “in shape.” It gives me a boost of confidence, but it also makes me feel extremely uncomfortable because I don’t want to be noticed by guys for what I do physically to make me feel good about *myself* and I don’t want boys looking at me as an object they want to be close to physically.
I want a guy who I’m going to be able to take part in those physical things with (like running) and someone who will recognize me for my internal traits like honesty, hilarity, caring about others, and someone who’s going to put up with, help me through, and pray with me about the crap that I’m struggling with. Someone who’s going to tear down the walls I put up and not be afraid to crack them when necessary. I’ve always understood that it is a choice to love someone and that it takes work to love someone. I feel ready to work at something and love someone, but I’m also not ready for it because I’m not exactly as whole as I feel I should be to get into something as serious as a relationship (or even dating) yet.
Anyway! Enough with that rant.
Yes and No. There are times to say yes and there are appropriate times to say no. Most of the time, definitely say yes; but if you feel God leading you to say no to something you’ve wanted to say yes to for so long…
Just say no and listen to Him. Wait on His timing actively.
It could eventually lead to The Wonderful Yes the Savior offers and get you through something you’ve been struggling with for a very long time.
Like it has proven for me thus far since the semester has started.