Anything that could start to go wrong does, and of all the days it could be on, it’s on the start of a week.
It’s raining and cold, I’ve lost my room key, and I’m stressed. The normal voices in my head tell me that I don’t matter, that I’m not good enough, that what I’m doing is going by unnoticed, and that none of this is going to matter in whatever amount of time. A week. By Thanksgiving, the Encouragement Week will be gone. Art Night will have passed. And the voices tell me that none of it will have mattered. None. Of. It.
My heart knows that’s not true and that this is just a case of the Monday Blues and the disappointment of this past weekend is carrying over into the week. Comparison in my head between me and other people is awry and I just can’t see the bigger picture because my vision is being clouded by dust and rain clouds surrounding my head. It’s a battle between my heart and my head.
My head is winning. My heart yearns to win. My Heart consistently fails me.
Why? The answer must be fear.
I am fearful of embracing a life God has called me to. What if I do fail? Am I alone in these feelings?
Sometimes the only way I believe I can make a lasting impact is by writing something of importance or getting my name to be known “out there.” Wherever “out there” exists. Sometimes I think that if I can’t make a lasting impact on a lot of people’s lives, none of it will matter.
Maybe that is the root of the issue, this problem.
I look back on the experiences I’ve had where I feel good about what I’ve done, feel like I have made a lasting impact. Honduras. Camp Sebago. The crazy thing about that though, is that I look back on those experiences and I see a different Me. An Ashley in which only God could possibly work through me in order to get the work that needed to be done, done. An Ashley that became so carefree, it didn’t matter whether or not she was seen or well-known because the Spirit was alive in her and that’s all that really mattered. An Ashley that cared less about the acceptance and love of the world. An Ashley with the Spirit, her only Love that made everything worth it.
In Honduras, there was no way I’d get through numerous piggy back rides with children, letting a girl with the same name take my hair and learn how to braid with it, get through the hottest weather I’ve ever experienced, sharing the tough parts of my testimony, and the pain of saying goodbye to everyone that has had an impact on my heart without the help of God. At Camp Sebago, there was no way I’d be able to handle tough situations, ten year old girls, leading groups, and whatever else that happened without the help of God in my heart and around me tangibly. In those situations it was none of me, I was literally stripped of my own pride and had to allow God to work through me in both my strengths and weaknesses.
Why is it so easy out there and why is it so difficult to do that right here? Why is it that I can experience transformation when I am not in school, but when I get back here, I seem to take a lot of steps back in the transformation department and all the lessons I learned seem to be lost? Are they really lost? Are they still in there somewhere? Because I’d like to claim those lessons back and I’d like to get that love and purpose back.
And that love and purpose is purely through God alone.
So… I claim Him on this Monday of Suck.
Because at this point, He is the one thing that is shining brighter that anything else I know right now.