I am not a complacent person. There are days and countless moments where I wish I was a complacent person that was just happy with the way things are, but for some reason I always need to change things or overthink them to the point where complacency is no longer a thing and brokenness ensues.
I’m obsessed with trees. Sometimes I wish I could take on the stances of trees – the way they are able to stay in one place for their lifetime and be okay with it. They sit with the friends of trees they have around them and that’s just how it is. They can’t change their location and maybe some trees find that annoying, but it looks as if a lot of trees are okay on the outside.
I would be the tree that complains and wishes they were a person with feet.
Which is why I am thankful that I am a person with feet, because I can move and I can think and I can make choices and ebb, flow, in and out… But I’m pretty sure that constant motion and not being complacent for more than two months might be a problem.
I can make choices and stick with them if I have an emotional attachment. But if the emotional attachment gets to be too much, I’ll end up overthinking and really driving anything good right out of my head because “hey, I know I’m leaving soon, is it even worth it?” Here’s the thing: Relationships are always always worth the time and emotion put into them, on whatever level, but especially the friendship level.
So what’s the problem? It’s the other way around thing that really gets to me. I can make the choice to attach or detach, but if someone else attaches to me or I don’t particularly want them to attach to me, I can cut things off or make it really, painfully obvious that I don’t feel the same. And I’m sure that causes pain on some side or another… I don’t really know what I’m trying to say, in all honesty…
Maybe it’s because I’m preparing myself to leave the country for an entire year or maybe it’s because my heart is always fragile and hard, closed off to anything that would possibly hurt me or detonate me. Maybe it’s because I can’t date. Or maybe it’s because I know the difference between a seasonal friend and a life-friend. I tend to forget about the seasonal friends (aka: Friends I’ll only keep in touch with and talk with for a season at a time) and I’m more apt to spend time with the life-friends (aka: the ones I’ll see maybe once a year no matter the circumstance and we’ll catch up and then go our separate ways, but whenever we meet up again, it will be as if no time has passed).
I have two life-friends that I kept from high school. These two friends are people I really only started getting to know my last year in high school. One is a friend I’ve literally been through everything two people could go through with each other and we both have grown from the situation because of the countless ups and downs we’ve shared over the years. I’m also close with the family and that is what makes it special. The other is a friend that I have also been through some ups and downs with, but have always managed to make time for when we’re close by each other.
The difference between a life-friend and a seasonal friend is that there is almost always a deeper connection that keeps people together through all the ups and downs and able to communicate about things. Seasonal friends, while the connection is often felt in the same way, is just very different.
I wrote a couple weeks ago about how I want a husband. I want my husband to be someone I can let go in front of and not be afraid to be silly or weird in front of. I want my husband to be a lifer… I mean, clearly, anyone would want their significant other to be a lifer… But with divorce rates lately it’s hard to tell what people are really marrying for these days. While I’ve never been in a relationship, I have had many great friendships with members of the opposite sex… And again, I don’t really know where I’m going with this rant, but yes, I’m going to keep going and see if I make any kind of conclusion in this.
Anyway, yes. I want someone who is going to be strange and just as weird as me. I want someone who’s a reader and smart and encourages me to follow my dreams and get out of my comfort zone and embrace my weirdness and not be ashamed about it. I want someone who is welcoming and willing to hang out and do spontaneous adventurous things with… And have it mean absolutely nothing right now (because I can’t date).
Most of the time, I think all people want is someone who is their best friend, who brings out the best in them (yes, that includes the weird stuff), someone they can laugh with, and someone who is just a comfort to be around.
I think it takes roots to be lifers.
Here’s what I mean: Trees, while they stand alone above ground, have such intricate root systems underground and some even connect together even though it’s not always apparent above ground. I think people are a lot the same in some ways, at least with my own experiences as of late. There are good and bad moments, conversations, and things that make up the roots of a relationship. Two people are two separate things, but the memories and conversations that have made up their moments together in the past are what make up the roots, connecting them together. Husbands and Wives, I’m sure, go through a plethora of disagreements, tough moments, and painful conversations; but they also go through a ton of amazing moments that really carry them through the bad and bitter moments.
It takes more than feelings, things in common, and whatever else that makes people fall in love. Love is always a choice in the same way that being a good friend is a choice. Friends go through basically the same stuff that lovers would go through, there’s just more intimacy in the relationship between lovers. Is intimacy the roots? Or is intimacy the rocks that make it between the roots, and growing around those rocks with the assuring feeling that you will make it through whatever rocks are thrown at you? Because in the end it’s still a choice?
There’s really no answer to my questions and again, I’m going to state that there really is no point to writing this blog out, these are just thoughts that have been running through my head. I’ve been thinking a lot about the roots that connect me with certain individuals and how even just as friends, it is beautiful.
God gives me hope for things, and I have not relented hope in years. I don’t know that I will ever let go unless something better comes around. I know I can be myself… If that means no talking in the morning because I’m so tired and haven’t gotten my coffee yet, hugs, laughing, standing close, encouraging another human being, and taking spontaneous one-on-one hangout adventures when the craziness dies down with no intention of more, then that’s what it is.
It is a new foundation, and new crevices for new roots to form, leaving space for rain, growth, and restoration.